It’s Not Always a Matter of Choice
Life has its ups and downs, and we all want to be on the upside of things: It’s certainly preferable to the downside of things! After all, who wants to be sick, injured, divorced, lose a loved one, lose their savings; or, after having invested a ton of precious life energy into something, only to see it all come to naught!
But life is not calibrated to set us up to live the “high life” all of the time—not necessarily even most of the time! A life without problems is simply not in the program of personal growth! If it was, we would miss out on many wonderful life lessons that add enrichment and Meaning to our lives.
Meaning is closely tied to living a life with Purpose. So, …
- … if we cut out the downside of life, we negate the valuable life lessons that come with it.
- … if we negate our life lessons—as painful as they may be—we lose Meaning.
- … if we lose Meaning, what is our Purpose?
- … if we are unclear of our Purpose, we may go through life confused, frustrated and unfulfilled.
- … if we have no Purpose, we may lose the motivation to carry on.
In the Thick of It
Sometimes, when we get into the thick of it during certain life events, things take a downturn. When things take a turn for the worse, we begin to see the ugly side of life. We taste the bitter. We feel the exquisite pain and sorrow that is a part of this mortal sojourn.
A life without problems is simply not in the program of personal growth!
But it’s not all bad. Good can come of it! You may wonder, “How can any good come of this terrible ordeal I’m going through?” But, the fact is, there is good to be found even in the most difficult of situations. However, we cannot see it. All we can see, hear, feel, know and understand is the pain of it all—unless we’d reached a state of numbness!
It’s times like this that a friend or loved one may approach us and say, “Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger!”
As well intentioned as this may be, these are ill-timed, empty words that can feel like someone just poured salt in our wound. And, sure, by going through the pain and difficulty, you may gain from it. But, first, you need time to get through it! You need time to recover. You need time to consider the experience from different perspectives once you can get their head above water.
Any person going through a life difficulty, adversity, setback, trial, tribulation (call it what you will), needs time to clear their head. They need to take the time to look through different lenses so they can see their experience from different angles. By doing this, hopefully they can reach the point where they can assemble their coping mechanisms. Once these are in place, they can start moving forward with their life.
Taking Time to Recover
Once the person has had sufficient time to settle into this new chapter of their life, then they have the chance to try to make sense of it. It is important to note that the person’s life may or may not ever be quite the same. During this assimilation process, they can either choose to let the new set of life circumstances mold them into a stronger, better version of themselves, or let it destroy them.
For those who wish to be of service to someone going through a painful ordeal, empathy and compassion form the cocktail of choice. For we can never truly understand exactly what another person is going through. For every person is unique, as is their life experience.
The Human Experience Toolbox
No two life experiences are identical. Sure, there are overlaps in similar experiences among individuals, but we all have different background experiences, strengths, resources and coping skills. Nevertheless, we all experience pain, sorrow, depression, anxiety, loss of confidence, and begin to question ourselves and the purpose of it all at some point in our life.
These negative feelings can prove to be more valuable than all the riches of the earth! They are even better than a cure for every ill to those who are in need of understanding from another human being. The experiences of having our own negative emotions (i.e. pain, sorrow, depression, anxiety, uncertainty, etc.) contribute to our own Human Experience Toolbox.
This toolbox can later be called upon to aid oneself when facing challenges down the road. It can also be a resource we can extend to others when the need arises in the School of Hard Knocks. Through empathy and compassion, our life experience of the downside of life can be of great value to some less-fortunate soul.
Life Is Like a Springboard
Life can be like a springboard: Some times it propels us to great heights and other times it can bring us down to the brink of despair! But life, like a springboard, offers opposite ends of the spectrum that work together for our good. And life would not offer a complete experience without both sides of the spectrum.
In order for the springboard to propel us upward, it must go into a compression stage, taking us in a downward direction–the opposite direction of the way we want to go.
So, it is in life: Before we can rise to new heights or gain personal depth, we must experience the downside of life as well. It is during the time of the descent of the springboard when the pain of our difficult experience becomes most intense.
Yes, this is where the molding and the forging and the teaching and the pruning take place. Yet, like a painful surgery, it may take awhile before the benefits become available to us.
Extremely Resilient Creatures
When you are in the throes of adversity, do not despair! Hold on to Hope, which is a pathway forward. While sampling the bitter herbs of life is a natural occurrence, we need not make a whole meal of them! Neither should we expect–nor strive to live–a life on a steady sugar diet! Such would only cause cavities in our psychological makeup and not sustain us during times of trouble.
It so happens that human beings are extremely adaptable creatures! In addition, the springboard of life will eventually reach the end of its descent. At that point, the springboard will begin it’s ascent. When this happens, it’s a time to fully open your eyes and take in the view.
While sampling the bitter herbs of life is a natural occurrence, we need not make a whole meal of them! Neither should we expect–nor strive–to live a life on a steady sugar diet! Such would only cause cavities in our psychological makeup and not sustain us during times of trouble.
–TOM LIGI
This is a time for introspection and quiet contemplation. It is good to consider what you may have gained or learned from the adversity you’ve been dealing with. However, this is not a time for forced learning. The answers will come when you are in a relaxed and open state as you ponder these things.
What Will Come of a Growth Mindset?
As you consider your painful life experience(s), it would be advantageous to look at them through the lens of Curiosity and a Growth Mindset. In doing so, you may discover the good that has come through the painful experience. As you assimilate your newfound perspective and knowledge, you become a value to those around you.
Whenever you come out on the other side of the pain, suffering and disappointment, you enter into an elite group of seasoned individuals endowed with perspective and wisdom. Such are in a special position to be a great benefit to those who have stepped onto their life springboard! For those on the the descent of the springboard may not be aware that will it eventually reverse its descent. And those who are on the ascent may need guidance in making sense of what just happened to them.
Those on the springboard presently lack the knowledge and experience you presently possess, which may be of great value to them!
Springboards: A Ubiquitous Phenomenon
Each person has a springboard of their own. Some are at rock bottom of the descent! Some are on the ascent, not knowing what lies ahead. In a sense, they are like a child who needs someone to extend the hands of empathy and compassion.
Once a person goes through the full cycle of the springboard experience, then they can apply this knowledge to other life experiences–for self or others. The key to making the best of the springboard experience, is to try to learn what you can from it. What can you glean from the experience? What good has come of it? These are questions that may lead to answers that can foster wisdom.
Each time we complete a cycle, the springboard experience can open eyes wider so we can behold life from another perspective. This perspective allows us to not only perceive on a broader and deeper level. It also gives us access our Human Experience Toolbox, which allows us to empathize because we have felt pain like the person currently on the springboard descent.
When we can feel another’s pain, we better comprehend the human condition–and appreciate those who are suffering and what they’re going through.
When we reach the point where we can do that, the opportunity to be of service to others will present itself. Through our presence and simple acts of empathy and compassion, we can help to ease the emotional pain, mental anguish, and soothe the wounds of others.
This is humanity at its best!
Discovering the Treasure of Experience
When we find ourselves in a position where we can use our experience with pain to ease the suffering of others, we may begin to see our accumulated life experience as a valuable education that is worth more than gold. It is then that we comprehend the opportunity it gives us to truly make a difference in the world–even if it’s in small ways.
As we do so, may our eyes be further opened to where we can acknowledge that the hardships in our life were not all bad. In fact, some wonderful things came through our suffering. Perhaps, at that point, we may even begin to feel the stirrings of Gratitude within our heart for the springboards that have come into our life!
Yours in Thriving,
Tom Ligi, Positive Psychology Consultant & Resilience Coach
Author of 7 Steps to Self-Confidence